No one is ever prepared to receive bad news. Never. No headspace is ready to face the changes and challenges that come when we are faced with a mental health diagnosis. TRUE. Why? Because your head is the cause and at the same time the solution to this problem. The vehicle you need to use to drive through this detour you have to face, from now on.
When the diagnosis happens, the people closest to you are in shock. Probably in denial, in the same way you are in denial at the beginning. The first question for me was: “How do you know?” That question was never answered. My diagnosis was an affirmation to a situation that was out of my control and where I still have some blank spots.
I was not sure of the WHEN things changed and HOW it happened. I did not understand WHAT the doctors and people closest to me had seen and what make them decide to take me into the ER. I was put to sleep in one of the small diagnosis rooms only to wake up, a few hours later, in an unfamiliar place. I was now inside the psychiatric ward of the hospital in my Town. I woke up there, startled, with no idea of what had happen to me.
Looking back today, I think I can understand the reason WHY I ended up in the ER, HOW it happened and WHEN it happened. As of today, I still don’t understand yet WHAT happen to end up so confused. That is really a question with no answer so far – an incognita.
I had not heard anything about being bipolar when this crisis happened. The truth is 17 years ago, we didn’t really talk about mental illness in the way we do today. Maybe one or two celebrities had been diagnosed and that had put them on the spot, so they were being interviewed to tell their story. Certainly, Bipolar diagnosis were not that common at that time, not in the numbers of people who are diagnosed now days – in 2022 – with this illness.
It took me quite a few years to be able to talk about my experience. It was thanks to the wonderful support of my family, my parents, my siblings and my closest friends, that I can be here today reflecting on my experience.
The people that lived with me at that time, could not see what outsiders noticed. On the outside, I was a dynamic, efficient and committed member of my community and a very hard worker. Where my heart is, there is my time, and I spent my life working on what was important to me. And as time is money, I guess I overspent time and money in activities where I felt useful. These activities became special projects where I could focus my attention.
The real deceiver was being able to understand the consequences the diagnosis as a Bipolar II patient would have in my life. The people closest to me changed their attitude, some in a caring and loving way trying to protect me, others despising what I had “become” after the diagnosis.
What I never understood completely until today, is the stigma that was behind the diagnosis, what carrying this disease entailed and how it changed the most valuable relationships in my life.
Accepting I have bipolar, is like accepting I need glasses. Knowing that for my wellbeing, I have decided to take medicine to feel more balanced and that maybe there is a chance, if I stop doing medication that I can have a “normal life”. But why would I try something different, when things are finally starting to work well?
This is why I am taking my time to unfold and explain what being TRIPOLAR is. I am living in in the HERE and NOW. I have the golden opportunity to talk about my experience as a patient but also as an observer of all the realities that unfolded with the diagnose.
Join me in this new journey to CHANGE THE CONVERSATION, where my reflections can help me and help others.
Join me as we OPEN creative ways to start those difficult conversations and work together as we do all in our POWER to BEAT THE STIGMA!
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